Tag Archives: sandwich

Chicken, tubes and toilets

In the spirit of ‘Blue Monday‘, here are three foodie sights that consistently depress me:

1. Queues outside South London’s multitudinous purveyors of fried chicken

Step forward all you Chicken Shacks, Chicken Huts, Chicken Expresses and Chicken Dinnerz. From 6pm onwards, these places do a roaring trade in low-quality, low-welfare, saturated fat-laden chicken dinners, all pitched at eye-wateringly low prices.

Perhaps more dispiriting are the trails of gnawed chicken bones, discarded on the pavement Hansel and Gretel-style, so that diners can always find their way back. Are the same people queuing day after day? Or are huge numbers of repeat customers treating themselves week in, week out? I can only hope it’s the latter.

2. People who sit down to lunch on the tube

Let me be clear: it’s not eating on the tube per se that upsets me – I hold no truck with peckish travellers who snatch snacks en route to their destination, nor do I object to a perceived lack of consideration for others (unless the all-pervasive Red Bull is involved).

What gets me down is seeing someone who gives every impression that the tube is their idea of the perfect dining location. The culprits are usually men who sit in near-empty carriages at lunchtime, with straight back and feet firmly planted on the floor. They’ll carefully arrange their belongings on the seat to their left and place a crisp, brown paper bag on the seat to their right, from which they’ll reverentially extract some item – a sandwich, a burger, or whatever – before tucking into it with gusto, as if they’ve been waiting all day for this movable feast. Park bench, anyone?

3. The misery of unusual toilet signs in restaurants and bars

I am among the people who – inadvisedly, I know – always wait until the last possible moment to pop to the loo. Alcohol only serves to hinder my judgement in such a matter. So imagine the gnashing of teeth and crossing of legs that ensue when I’m in a bar and encounter any of the following on the toilet doors: a reproduction of a curly-haired Botticelli madonna, versus a curly-haired Regency-era prince; an intricate sketch of a dapper Edwardian gentleman, complete with umbrella, paunch and Penny farthing, versus one of a fragrant Edwardian lady, complete with parasol, bustle and, yes, Penny farthing; an enigmatic letter that could feasibly be attributed to, say, either a lad or a lady; a cartoon of a male sheep/horse/earwig, versus a cartoon of a female sheep/horse/earwig…before you know it, you’ve wet yourself again, haven’t you?

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Visions of the last supper

Have you ever choked on a piece of food so violently that halfway through your struggle for air a panicky thought enters your crowded head suggesting with increasing horror the idea that what you have just eaten might be (or have been…) your last meal? And, as you splutter, you think, ‘No, not this way, please God. Not over an M&S egg and cress sandwich or a slice of takeaway pizza. I’ve got my last meal covered, I’ve talked about it in depth, and this definitely isn’t it.’

I’ve witnessed similar thoughts cross the minds of people I know. Aged nine, I was at a stately home on a family day out when my grandad caused a stir in the cafeteria. One minute he was chomping on the limp lettuce that was bringing up the rear of a joy-stripped, cling-wrapped Ploughman’s; the next he was desperately rocking and wheezing, and a clamour of strangers was trying to expel said salad leaf from his grasping windpipe. Even as he coughed and gasped, you could see that he was thinking wildly, ‘Lettuce? A world war under my belt and in the end it comes down to vegetation? I don’t even rate lettuce.’ He was fine in the end, but his consciousness absolutely whispered those words during his fight for breath.

The same thing has happened to me. I don’t think that it’s because I eat too fast or in too much of a slovenly manner: I think it’s probably a hazard of eating as many things as I do – being over-familiar with the mechanics of eating probably makes me less alert to its menace. My two nearest-death experiences were not with overtly risky food – none of your Japanese blowfish or hand-picked wild mushrooms – but instead with the innocent-looking and innocuous stick of cheap confectionery that is the Twix.

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By appointment to HM ER II…er, grazia

What would you expect to eat at an audience with Her Majesty the Queen? Dainty cucumber sandwiches sans crusts and tea sipped from bone china cups? A mini pork pie dabbed with Keen’s mustard and accompanied by a glass of sweet sherry? A full sit-down meal, each course requiring a different knife and presented under a silver cloche that’s unveiled by a suited waiter at the table? All of the above?

If so, you’d be disappointed. Apparently the Queen has moved with the times when it comes to grub. Either that or she too is feeling the pinch of the credit crunch. I say this having just read the would-be ‘society’ pages of my guilty pleasure, Grazia. The nibbles reportedly served at the palace for the British Clothing Industry Reception were, for me, just above roast Corgi on the list of Unexpected Things That The Queen Would Serve You. You won’t believe what the guests were treated to unless you secretly read Grazia too or you were at the reception yourself.

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Finally: a sarnie that ‘tastes as good as thin feels’?!

Just reading about London Fashion Week makes me feel hungry – any mention of food that manages to make it past the censors is still delivered to us squeezed of all joy. As reported in Grazia: Hovis has teamed up with supermodel Erin O’Connor to make the perfect LFW sandwich. Delightful – and, must I say, very generous of the Hovis PR department. This mysterious sandwich begged the question: perfect how? Perfect being the perfect New Clutch, a must-have foil to florals this season? Or perfect as in exquisitely balanced on a nutritional knife edge, providing just the right amount of energy to keep the models standing and fully conscious simultaneously?

Well, blow me down with a Ryvita and Diet Coke, what a strange combination Erin and the Hovis team came up with. Sunblush tomatoes. Smoked salmon. Avocadoes. Not overtly disgusting, nor stupidly complicated, more the gastronomic equivalent of getting dressed in the dark. It’s a sarnie predictable enough to get the Pavlovian juices of the average Hovis punter flowing and posh enough to sound as if it might fit into this dark glasses- and Louboutin-clad world. But all three together? Who would pick that combination as their perfect sandwich?

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